So, yeah, the topic "myself" seems to be very interesting right now, for me. I am aware of that. But like with most blogs, they're a reflection of what's going on inside the authors head. Live with it.
I've written mostly positive stuff about my now poly-introduced life. And while most is good, it feels extremely frustrating right now. A frustration which I seem to share, in some extent with my friend.
It's been no more than a week since I last wrote about how wonderful things were going, and it's true, we still make progress, but I guess it's not as fast as I need, although it's faster than I'd ever dared to hope.
When I first "came out" so to say, to my boyfriend I had no real expectations, and during the last month I've been happily surprised about how fast he's opened up to the idea of letting me open up.
He's seen and felt my change, seen me more alive than usual. He's recieved more love these weeks than what's been common for us for the past three years or so, and he knows all this is procreated from my re-labeling of my sexuality, from my meetings with my friend and from reducing rules, not increasing them.
I guess we've stepped back in time for the time being. I quote myself:
"When my lust, my libido, was curbed because "it's wrong to want any kind of sexual activity with others than your boyfriend", my body took that as a clear sign to suppress this lust as a whole. Because how could my body differentiate people from people? A vicious circle had begun."
Today I can relate to this again. Today I feel like more harm than good is done, like all I do is just waiting. I wait for my boyfriend, which makes my friend wait for me, which in turn slow things down, as he's not comfortable with contacting me being surrounded by all these rules. But how can my boyfriend ever "get used to" me seeing my friend if I'm never away?
I'm sure this text is written much more for my sake than anything else. It's not poltical, it's just wallowing in heartache. It's probably unorganised and confusing for the outside world.
"Coming out" or coming out will never be an easy thing to do if you've led another life beforehand. It will be hard but worth it, difficult yet easy, accepted yet met with fear and doubt. And it has one thing in common with this article: only you will know what it's all about.
It's so much harder having to deal with a problem you have the solution to, but cannot apply, than having a problem with no solution. In the latter case you can at least keep yourself occupied with trying to find it.
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