Long did I suspect that freedom of feelings and unconditional friendships would improve my well being, as well as my relationship with my boyfriend. However, I seem to have underestimated the effect.
Although many boundaries still exist, we've opened up our relatonship enough for me to feel content and alive. Tough I am still not allowed to engage in any sexual activities outside of our relationship, our modest but steady alterations present a seemingly free future. With this outlook I am allowed hopefullness.
It's been eight moths since I started researching myself, three months since I concluded my polyamoros nature and presented it to my boyfriend, yet for the first two months after this realisation no real change was made. Time stood still, much thanks to my boyfried. My restlessness grew alongside his fear of change until 25 days ago when we broke into a calm quarrel, resulting in the decision that I am allowed to meet a special friend of mine.
It may seem obvious that I would be allowed to befriend whoever I'd like, go for a walk with whoever I'd like, or have a cup of tea with ditto. But in this case it's never been that simple, simply because our friendship never began as such. The friend I am talking about is one I've mentioned in previous texts - my former FWB/fuckbuddy.
During our rendezvous nothing but music, school, or similar interests were exchanged with words or actions. Yet in between lines attraction and suspension of a more sexual nature were hiding. Simultaneously I worried about my boyfriends well being. "Will he be OK while I'm out with a person who traditionally would be his biggest threat?" Concurrently I worried about this one time to be the only time we're allowed to meet. After all, that was what we agreed on - one meeting.
To my surprise I came home to a very okay and active boyfriend that evening and before long we sat together, laughing in the bathtub and had the most wonderful, joyful and intimate evening in a long time. Paradoxically, I felt like newly in love with my boyfriend, after seeing my friend.
Arguably, this could have been just a coincidence - the joy and my meetup with my friend, but it had the very same effect the second time. After watching a movie in the sofa together with my friend I came home last wednesday to a happy boyfriend who I soon had one of my top five best sexual acts with.
Am I enamoured by my friend? No. Am I in love with him? No. Do I have feelings for him? Undefinable. How does one really distinguish such labels when you separate emotions from sex and broadens the perspective? Where is the line between family, friends and love relationships? You just love them all, sometimes even acquaintances or objects, and the attraction to him is right there.
Does it really matter how I define them? My feelings, whatever they may be don't necessarily have to limit any one of us as none of us want excusiveness.
All in all I've never felt happier or more alive. This series of blog articles started out a year ago as frustration over my missing lust, a bunch of societal problems and the never ending sexual problems with my relationship. Now, all of a sudden I seem to have found a way to solve my problems. A pity though, that I can't change named societal issues... yet.
P.S. I'm not trying to use my friend to imrove my relationship. I geuinely want to see him.
P.S. I'm not trying to use my friend to imrove my relationship. I geuinely want to see him.
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