It was much easier being brainwashed into thinking I was monoamorous, than it is transitioning into a polyamorous lifestyle. Sure, living in a “false” seuxuality creates problems, but at least you don’t know how to solve them, and as long as you don’t there’s really not much to worry about. You accept life, thinking “This is just how it is.” and persuade yourself that these problems are normal, that a lot of people are going through the same troubles you are, because they’re the same, right? Normal. A word so misused, yet sometimes I fall for it. Sure, apparently it is “normal” to live with the troubles I had, but they’re usually “solved” through infidelity or break-ups. Either that or you live through them, alive but not living. I may sure have heard of “free love” or even polyamory while growing up, but what does that help if they’re displayed as improper and most of all in an unrelatable environment, and so I ended up in a mono relationship with a person that I now cannot see myself leaving. It’s not easy being polyamorous. It’s not hard, it’s just that it’s not accepted, and I don’t have a personal problem with it not being accepted in society, that’s more of a political problem for me, my own main problem is that it’s not accepted in my own life. It’s beginning to get accepted, but I’m afraid I’ll one day hear a “Here but no further” or another “If you want to sleep with other people we’re breaking up.”
What’s the result of all this? What’s the result of my hope in my relationship, my belief that I can pull off “having the cake and eat it” in lack of a better, fairer expression? The cultural clash, so to call it, happening between me and my boyfriend is mirrored in myself. One day I’m absent minded, happy or even overjoyed over the fact that I’m, after all, making progress. For each week or so I’m getting closer to my goal and freedom, yet it’s incredibly frustrating and at times even heartbreaking that I’ll have to go through even more waiting, as if eight years wasn’t enough - before I can feel free.
One day I might be absent minded, I might forget getting off the tram because my mind is filled with wonderful memories that reflect how I’d like my life to be. Other days I might lay in the bathtub, crying, because I know that in reality my (romantic)life is far from what I’d wish. Unfortunately I’m not alone in this. There are others to take into consideration even for my own sake, and I can only hope that no one gets hurt while I’m trying to respect everyone - including myself.
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