MY STORY, PART SEVEN: Endless Waiting

So, yeah, the topic "myself" seems to be very interesting right now, for me. I am aware of that. But like with most blogs, they're a reflection of what's going on inside the authors head. Live with it.

I've written mostly positive stuff about my now poly-introduced life. And while most is good, it feels extremely frustrating right now. A frustration which I seem to share, in some extent with my friend. 

It's been no more than a week since I last wrote about how wonderful things were going, and it's true, we still make progress, but I guess it's not as fast as I need, although it's faster than I'd ever dared to hope.

When I first "came out" so to say, to my boyfriend I had no real expectations, and during the last month I've been happily surprised about how fast he's opened up to the idea of letting me open up.

He's seen and felt my change, seen me more alive than usual. He's recieved more love these weeks than what's been common for us for the past three years or so, and he knows all this is procreated from my re-labeling of my sexuality, from my meetings with my friend and from reducing rules, not increasing them.

I guess we've stepped back in time for the time being. I quote myself:

"When my lust, my libido, was curbed because "it's wrong to want any kind of sexual activity with others than your boyfriend", my body took that as a clear sign to suppress this lust as a whole. Because how could my body differentiate people from people? A vicious circle had begun."

Today I can relate to this again. Today I feel like more harm than good is done, like all I do is just waiting. I wait for my boyfriend, which makes my friend wait for me, which in turn slow things down, as he's not comfortable with contacting me being surrounded by all these rules. But how can my boyfriend ever "get used to" me seeing my friend if I'm never away?

I'm sure this text is written much more for my sake than anything else. It's not poltical, it's just wallowing in heartache. It's probably unorganised and confusing for the outside world.

"Coming out" or coming out will never be an easy thing to do if you've led another life beforehand. It will be hard but worth it, difficult yet easy, accepted yet met with fear and doubt. And it has one thing in common with this article: only you will know what it's all about.

MY STORY, PART SIX: Revisit

Long did I suspect that freedom of feelings and unconditional friendships would improve my well being, as well as my relationship with my boyfriend. However, I seem to have underestimated the effect.

Although many boundaries still exist, we've opened up our relatonship enough for me to feel content and alive. Tough I am still not allowed to engage in any sexual activities outside of our relationship, our modest but steady alterations present a seemingly free future. With this outlook I am allowed hopefullness.

It's been eight moths since I started researching myself, three months since I concluded my polyamoros nature and presented it to my boyfriend, yet for the first two months after this realisation no real change was made. Time stood still, much thanks to my boyfried. My restlessness grew alongside his fear of change until 25 days ago when we broke into a calm quarrel, resulting in the decision that I am allowed to meet a special friend of mine.

It may seem obvious that I would be allowed to befriend whoever I'd like, go for a walk with whoever I'd like, or have a cup of tea with ditto. But in this case it's never been that simple, simply because our friendship never began as such. The friend I am talking about is one I've mentioned in previous texts - my former FWB/fuckbuddy.

During our rendezvous nothing but music, school, or similar interests were exchanged with words or actions. Yet in between lines attraction and suspension of  a more sexual nature were hiding. Simultaneously I worried about my boyfriends well being. "Will he be OK while I'm out with a person who traditionally would be his biggest threat?" Concurrently I worried about this one time to be the only time we're allowed to meet. After all, that was what we agreed on - one meeting.

To my surprise I came home to a very okay and active boyfriend that evening and before long we sat together, laughing in the bathtub and had the most wonderful, joyful and intimate evening in a long time. Paradoxically, I felt like newly in love with my boyfriend, after seeing my friend.

Arguably, this could have been just a coincidence - the joy and my meetup with my friend, but it had the very same effect the second time. After watching a movie in the sofa together with my friend I came home last wednesday to a happy boyfriend who I soon had one of my top five best sexual acts with.

Am I enamoured by my friend? No. Am I in love with him? No. Do I have feelings for him? Undefinable. How does one really distinguish such labels when you separate emotions from sex and broadens the perspective? Where is the line between family, friends and love relationships? You just love them all, sometimes even acquaintances or objects, and the attraction to him is right there.

Does it really matter how I define them? My feelings, whatever they may be don't necessarily have to limit any one of us as none of us want excusiveness.

All in all I've never felt happier or more alive. This series of blog articles started out a year ago as frustration over my missing lust, a bunch of societal problems and the never ending sexual problems with my relationship. Now, all of a sudden I seem to have found a way to solve my problems. A pity though, that I can't change named societal issues... yet.

P.S. I'm not trying to use my friend to imrove my relationship. I geuinely want to see him.