First off, just to be clear: I'm not "coming out". It's kinda hard to come out of a closet you've never been hiding in. How have I never hid in it? Well, I've just never told anyone that I'm 100% straight and monogamous, because no one has really discussed it or asked me. Usually it works like this: If you don't behave in a "strange" way (we're talking norms here), and you don't tell everyone about your sexual orientation either, then assumingly you are straight.
I've always had this fairytale dream of marrying the perfect man, having one or a couple of kids and living in a big, castle-like house. That dream is no less true now than it was before I labeled my sexual orientation. I still want to marry one man, but the details have changed.
The reason I felt the need to search through my sexuality and label myself at all arose from me and my boyfriends' problems in our relationship. I though it odd that our problems mainly depended on him, as well as other things outside of my control. Was it true that the reason I wasn't happy was because he was selfish or because our sex ed sucked? Yes it was, but not completely.
The first thing I did was going through my sexual history. Starting from childhood, when I first discovered what being a girl meant, researching my teens and first relatioships, my dreams and fantasies - everything leading up to my current relation. What I found was really nothing new. I knew it all already, but never before had I categorized it in such a way.
My friends know that my fantasies about threesomes are no secret. They know I'm sexually attracted to women, just not as much as I am towards men. They know I'm open to temporary encounters as well as lifelong connections. However, they don't know I feel imprisoned in monogamous relationships, because frankly, how could they know when I didn't know?
It turns out I didn't loose my sex drive only because of pills or a bad sexlife. When my lust, my libido, was curbed because "it's wrong to want any kind of sexual activity with others than your boyfriend", my body took that as a clear sign to suppress this lust as a whole. Because how could my body differentiate people from people? A vicious circle had begun.
Equally, when I started seeing other people after we'd broken up, my lust was encouraged. The more I was allowed to feel, even if these sexual feelings were directed to several different people at a time, the more of my lust came back to me. This eventually allowed my love for my ex to come back as well. A virtuous circle was now created.
A couple of months ago I stumbled across an article in a girls magazine about polyamoury. I had just come to the conclusion a week before, that I was not suited for a fully monogamous relationship, but this label was the final piece in my puzzle. Immedieately after I'd read the article, completed the essay about myself and showed everything to my once-again-boyfriend-though-not-officialy, I felt I'd found my way back to the girl I was before my first ever relationship.
Already a year ago I realised I had lost track of her. I really missed her. She could get exited and aroused by the tiniest of fantasies. She loved sex and love and everything to do with it. When she was gone all I could think of was how much I missed her, how much I was missing, how unfair our society is towards those who want to be free etc. And my lust was nowhere to be seen.
Now when we have found the pieces, all we have to do is start building. Now I know our sex ed sucked and what we missed, I know what caused our problems and how to avoid them. I know hormones are not for me. I also know I'm polyamorous, and that I need secondary relations to feel alive and good.
But how exactly does it feel? Amazing. I'm not speaking in metaphors when I say theres a warm sensation in my heart, around my chest. It occured very suddenly after I realized polyamorous was a label for me (and known since before: heteroflexible/bi-curious) It's like I'm in love with no specific person, or with everyone. All at the same time.
It is wonderful to figure this out, and for now I have all I need. This realisation will keep me going for a short while, but our relationship hinders me from being free, long term. It does help to kow what's wrong, because now I know how to solve this problem. I'm just not sure I can. Fredrik, my bf, and I are still exclusive with eatchother, and although our goal is to be together, I don't want to make it official until I know we can make it. Unforturnately he doesn't want me to have any kind of sexual interactions with anyone but him. Unforturnately my "inner godess" (to quote 50 shades) will disappear again if I'm not allowed that freedom. Once again my heart will cool down and my lust will fade.
I can do monogamy without cheating, but not without losing myself.
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