Every one of the last few years there's been a debate. Every year that debate has been about how the left party extremists, politically correct and feminists ruin (mainly) one of our traditions: Lucia.
In Sweden we are very fond of this tradition. We celebrate the italian saint with a fair woman and her following sisters, maybe a few Saint Stephens (Staffan), who go between the houses or into the church and sing their songs. In many schools and kindergardens the children can also dress up as an elf or cookie. It is a beautiful tradition watched by thousands on the television every year on the 13th of december, and it's still a dream of mine to be chosen for Lucia one day.
The other day I saw, unsuprisingly, a meme about how the discussion now will start about setting stop for this tradition, and like every year before this I took it for right-hand, racist gibberish.
And thought it may have started like that, I sadly recognised that there suddenly was some truth to it.
While I engage in making meatballs, baking gingerbreads, putting together a gingerbread house, setting up new curtains, a christmas tree, decorating with gnomes and reindeers, baking saffron buns and so on the rest of the city is busy shopping (hopefully for christmas presents), working and studying. Maybe we don't have time to care?
"Housewife 3000" my friend comments on my new facebook profile picture. A white Karin Larsson-apron covers my 19th century inspired dress and on the table beside me my gingerbread dough lies waiting. Unlike many others I don't get offended by that comment. I take pride in it. I take pride in being a woman and in being feminine. Because I don't need pants to be worth anything. I don't need blue jeans when talking about politics or playing videogames, and baing and cooking just happens to be an interest of mine, just like playing videogames.
"No Lucia celebrations this year" the local newspaper says, and although I know there are many other arrangements out there I get sad. Not only because this was the biggest and most well known in my city, but because of the overwhelming symbolism.
Those people who actually don't want a Lucia contest and the following celebrations do so because it has typically ben a beauty contest. And there is nothing today more out of fashion than beauty contests. Yet nowhere I see people actively protesting against billboard adverisements (which we all know has a great affect), of a much more worse kind. Besides, the last few years the Lucia contest has not been about beauty, but instead a good voice, not even showing the contestants face until after the voting.
There have also been discussions about whether or not the tradition is excluding people of differnet background as well as of the male gender, and similarities have been pointed out between gingerbread cookies and costumes - and racism against black people. Personally I think putting an end to Lucia would be a ridiculous solution to both of these first possible problems. I would rather see Saint Stephens walking together with the female saint on first row, and people of all colours and beliefs attend in the train and contests. Because you don't need to be a christian to celebrate this. The only thing you need to do is respecting and liking the tradition, just as you would with any other tradition, no matter if it's Chanukka or Ramadan. No one is forcing anyone to participate.
Besides, on the question about equality between men and women, if one would not want to have Lucia and Saint Stephens walking together, maybe they could see this tradition with mostly females as a counterpart to the many other traditions where the main character is a male (Santa or Jesus for example). And all I have to say about gingerbreads being racist is that itis a great misconception.
Now, I know, I know. Traditions change over time. I doubt many of you know that Lucia previously meant you should fear the dark and supernatural beings, that it was then celebrated on the darkest day of the year as a counterpart to midsummers eve, that you stayed up all night because you thought it dangerous to sleep.
It's obviously not only Lucia that has changed over time. How many people today think Good Friday should be gloomy and boring? How many get their christmas presents from Krampus/the Yule Goat instead of Santa?
Lucia is a wonderful tradition, and maybe we would have the engergy to celebrate it, as well as other traditions properly if it wasn't for the hectic society we live in. Maybe we would long for Lucia and her company to arrive if we weren't already fed with gingerbread cookies and julmust from the middle of October - one and a half month too early.
Traditions change, but I experience these changes to be disrespectful rather than natural.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
MY STORY, PART THREE: Do not women deserve pleasure?
I have now been sexually active for almost 7 years. That is if you only count partnersex as a sexual activity. I have also been with somewhere between 20-25 partners during this time. This makes me think I have a pretty just picture of reality.
My four first reationships were sexually unsatisfying, but since I had been able to masturbate to orgasm since age 10 and tried to tell my partners what worked for me, I ruled out myself as the problem. The only possible reason there was for my unsatisfaction, i assumed, was due to bad luck. Many other women seemed to be with guys who actually wanted to give them pleasure. But you know what? I'm starting to think they're all liars.
In january, after breaking up with my fourt boyfriend, whom I'd been together with during four years, I thought I'd find myself someone who cared about what I felt, but in almost every case it failed, and I could summarize my 25-ish partners like this:
80% were only thinking about themselves. and had no interest in either touching, licking or any form of foreplay. If they did it it was because they felt like they had to or because I asked them to, but some of those men refused even after being asked to and instructed in how, and came with stupid excuses about how it was "too wet and nasty" "That they had no idea how to do" and so on.
16% seemed genuinly interested in giving me a good time, but had no clue how the female body works. The ony place they were interested in was my vagina. Well, atleast mostly. Simply put: they thought our bodies were the same, just looking different.
4%. That equals one person. 1out of 25 men gave me something in return, and he had some knowledge about what to do. It may not have been perfect, and I'd prefered more. Some licking and some touching, even with the right technique isn't enough, but atleast he'd been listening to previous partners, observant in what they felt and enjoyed, and if I begged him to do something atleast he tried.
Now don't take this too seriously. These percentages for sure are not accurate. I didn't sleep with people to research their behaviours, I did it to feel pleasure. The numbers above only represents what I feel, and right now they make me feel very pessimistic. Is it too much to ask for some massage in return for all the blow jobs, jerk-offs and throathfucks? Apparently it is.
My four first reationships were sexually unsatisfying, but since I had been able to masturbate to orgasm since age 10 and tried to tell my partners what worked for me, I ruled out myself as the problem. The only possible reason there was for my unsatisfaction, i assumed, was due to bad luck. Many other women seemed to be with guys who actually wanted to give them pleasure. But you know what? I'm starting to think they're all liars.
In january, after breaking up with my fourt boyfriend, whom I'd been together with during four years, I thought I'd find myself someone who cared about what I felt, but in almost every case it failed, and I could summarize my 25-ish partners like this:
80% were only thinking about themselves. and had no interest in either touching, licking or any form of foreplay. If they did it it was because they felt like they had to or because I asked them to, but some of those men refused even after being asked to and instructed in how, and came with stupid excuses about how it was "too wet and nasty" "That they had no idea how to do" and so on.
16% seemed genuinly interested in giving me a good time, but had no clue how the female body works. The ony place they were interested in was my vagina. Well, atleast mostly. Simply put: they thought our bodies were the same, just looking different.
4%. That equals one person. 1out of 25 men gave me something in return, and he had some knowledge about what to do. It may not have been perfect, and I'd prefered more. Some licking and some touching, even with the right technique isn't enough, but atleast he'd been listening to previous partners, observant in what they felt and enjoyed, and if I begged him to do something atleast he tried.
Now don't take this too seriously. These percentages for sure are not accurate. I didn't sleep with people to research their behaviours, I did it to feel pleasure. The numbers above only represents what I feel, and right now they make me feel very pessimistic. Is it too much to ask for some massage in return for all the blow jobs, jerk-offs and throathfucks? Apparently it is.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Another post about sex.
I don't know what it is, but sex toys just seem to lack terribly in quality. Also the online shops usually have terrible customer service.
The first toy I ever bought was a black Odeco Larila rabbit vibrator. I ordered it a few weeks before christmas 2013, together with a bottle of waterlube. One week later I still had received nothing in my mailbox and I called the company's customer service. Every time i called I got to their voicemail, and every time I called I left hem a message asking where my product was. I never got an answer.
A few days later I had googled on everything possible and finally found the number to their stock building, so I called and asked for the comapny owners name. He didn't rent the building any longer, but fortunately the woman I talked with knew his numer and gave it to me.
I called him and he said the online toy shop was his wife's buisness, but he'd help me with my problem. After calling him several times, again and again where my order was I finally got my Odeco Larila and waterlube in the middle of JANUARY. I also got another package of waterlube for free "for my trouble", worth 5 euro. I never shopped at their site again.
Luckily the rabbit worked, and it was not only visually gorgeous, but it's design was ergonomically fabulous. I loved my product.
A year later however, after much pleasure I dropped it on the floor and it started to have troubles, so I began to search for a new one. This time I was really curious about the gold/black Zini Hua rabbit vibrator. I ordered it from another online shop, but after two weeks I still hadn't recived any package. Luckily their customer service was better and I got the answer that it was sold out, and they waited for a new delivery from the factory.
The Zini Hua arrived about 1,5 months after my order was placed and it was the prettiest sex toy I'd ever seen. However they had not thought the design through and the clitoris vibrator had totally the wrong angle. Even then, I was ok with it, but it didn't take long until it started having trouble. It would behave strangely and was not, as advertised, waterproof.
I contacted the customer service again, several times but still haven't got any answer. I ended up having to ask "The European Consumer Centre" for help, who said the company wasn't registered correctly and now I'm waiting for further help.
Since these two incidents I've only bought sex toys at bigger, more well known companies like Joyland, Lustjakt, Vuxen, Lovebox etc, even if it means I have to pay a much higher price. But I have got really great service and they answer all possible questions. However, although I buy products from these sites, the products themselves still won't work properly, and it doesn't matter which fabricate they are; If the contain a vibrator I have started to assume there will be some kind of trouble withing the first month of using it. and don't get me wrong, I do follow the instructions and do not harm the products in any way.
Since I wasn't happy with the product above I ordered a black Odeco Pearl rabbit about two months ago. It arrived on time and worked perfectly...during three weeks. Then the battery cover fell off and as a result, the batteries would fall out. So atleast the vibrators and the rotation worked really well, atleast during my frequent use during those three weeks, but I still had to send away my product. Now I'm waiting for my money back.
Pipedream products sell wonderful stuff, usually with high quality, bodysafe silicone and very neat design; they really have something for everybody, but even their products won't work. Two weeks ago I bought their "Fetish Fantasy Limited Edition Remote Control Butterfly Strap-On" but withing 5 minutes the trouble started. The butterfly itself had great quality, and the product had great design overall, but the bullet was a little bit weak, and either the bullet itself or it's wireless control wouldn't work properly and now I can't get it to work at all. I will be compensated, but all these vibrator-problems are getting on my nerves.
Next time I buy a sex toy I won't allow it to have any kind of motor I guess. I'd love to buy a new Odeco Pearl and a new wireless bullet, but I don't dare to spend money on them. I'm also extremely picky and will only choose products with a beautiful design and black silicone and gold metal/plastic, which makes it even harder to find any product that would fit me. Any suggestions? What are your experiences with sex toysand toy shops?
If you'd like to know what products I've had that haven't dissapointed me I'll list them here below:
1. Pipedream Fetish Fantasy Gold Bondage Kit. This is a kit including handcuffs, a paddle and a blindfold - all in black faux leather and golden metal. I'm perfectly happy with the quality of this kit and the cuffs are comfortable.
2. Fetish Fantasy Gold Vibrating Cockring. I can only say what I as a woman think about this, although my ex seemed to like it as well. The quality is good. It's made from black silicone and the golden bullet is waterproof. I'd never had any trouble with it technically, but it didn't meet my expectations either. I'm sure other women would love it though, as well as men.
3. My Lovey Silicone anal Beads. I haven't used these very much, but the quality is good. As you may notice i love silicone, and these are no exception. It's a stretchy, bodysafe material.
4. Bijoux Indescretes Tickle Me Tickler. It's not onlu pretty, it also feels good as you or someone else drag it alongside your body.
5. Bijoux Indescretes Désir Métallique - Metallic mesh gold collar and Désir Métallique - Gold metallic mesh handcuffs. I would question the quality of these, but so far I haven't had any trouble with them. However I consider them to be more of an acessory/jewelry than actual cuffs. They're however really pretty and sexy.
6. Bijoux Indescretes Lucky Love Dice. These are very pretty, as most of the stuff Bijoux Indescretes sell. The black, shiny dices come with stickers that you can apply. I've had no trouble with the stickers falling of once I've put them on, otherwise I'd guess you could just glue them back.
7. Electric Lingerie Ctorctless Fencenet Bodystocking. You feel really sexy in this. It's marked as "Onse Size" and for me as a size s-sx it fits very well. I'd also assume it fits medium sized women well since it's kinda stretchy, thoguh I'm not sure about large women. I see no lack in quality, but I also guess the net could break quite easily. I'm however happy with it.
8. Jeweled Butt Plug. I am quite new to anal over all, and this feels like a perfect plug for beginners. It's in gold coloured metal with a really pretty black jewel. It feels nice once in place. The only negative thought i have about it is that the gold colour has a few bubbles near the jewel and I imagine it could easily peel off by for example your fingernail. I've used it several times and it looks just like when it arrived and I'd say it's worth the money.
9. Talking about the colour peeling off, my Lady Finger Vibrator, which works great, no longer looks great. Thec olour peeled off very easy and early and now it's half silver half gold. That doesn't look very pretty, but I'm happy as long as it works. This is one of very few vibrators that has operated perfectly every time I've used it, during several months almost daily use. It gives nice stimulation to both the clitoris and the vagina. It's downside is the plastic feeling of it. It doesn't feel luxurious at all, especially when the colour dissapears too.
10. Feathers. Just plain feathers that you can buy almost anywhere works great for tickling the body - or the more initmate parts. They are cheap and comes in many different colours and variations in size, softness etc. They're also extremely discrete. Same goes for things like silk and rope; you don't have to visit a sex shop to get it but it can still be used to enhance your sexlife. Massage oil and lube are also things that can make a difference in your sex life although they're very simple.
Dear readers, feel free to ask questions (even though I won't answer stupid ones), and I'm curious about your experiences as well; how have you been treated in online sex shops, or physical ones? What are your favourite toys and is there anything special you'd want to try?
The first toy I ever bought was a black Odeco Larila rabbit vibrator. I ordered it a few weeks before christmas 2013, together with a bottle of waterlube. One week later I still had received nothing in my mailbox and I called the company's customer service. Every time i called I got to their voicemail, and every time I called I left hem a message asking where my product was. I never got an answer.
A few days later I had googled on everything possible and finally found the number to their stock building, so I called and asked for the comapny owners name. He didn't rent the building any longer, but fortunately the woman I talked with knew his numer and gave it to me.
I called him and he said the online toy shop was his wife's buisness, but he'd help me with my problem. After calling him several times, again and again where my order was I finally got my Odeco Larila and waterlube in the middle of JANUARY. I also got another package of waterlube for free "for my trouble", worth 5 euro. I never shopped at their site again.
Luckily the rabbit worked, and it was not only visually gorgeous, but it's design was ergonomically fabulous. I loved my product.
A year later however, after much pleasure I dropped it on the floor and it started to have troubles, so I began to search for a new one. This time I was really curious about the gold/black Zini Hua rabbit vibrator. I ordered it from another online shop, but after two weeks I still hadn't recived any package. Luckily their customer service was better and I got the answer that it was sold out, and they waited for a new delivery from the factory.
The Zini Hua arrived about 1,5 months after my order was placed and it was the prettiest sex toy I'd ever seen. However they had not thought the design through and the clitoris vibrator had totally the wrong angle. Even then, I was ok with it, but it didn't take long until it started having trouble. It would behave strangely and was not, as advertised, waterproof.
I contacted the customer service again, several times but still haven't got any answer. I ended up having to ask "The European Consumer Centre" for help, who said the company wasn't registered correctly and now I'm waiting for further help.
Since these two incidents I've only bought sex toys at bigger, more well known companies like Joyland, Lustjakt, Vuxen, Lovebox etc, even if it means I have to pay a much higher price. But I have got really great service and they answer all possible questions. However, although I buy products from these sites, the products themselves still won't work properly, and it doesn't matter which fabricate they are; If the contain a vibrator I have started to assume there will be some kind of trouble withing the first month of using it. and don't get me wrong, I do follow the instructions and do not harm the products in any way.
Since I wasn't happy with the product above I ordered a black Odeco Pearl rabbit about two months ago. It arrived on time and worked perfectly...during three weeks. Then the battery cover fell off and as a result, the batteries would fall out. So atleast the vibrators and the rotation worked really well, atleast during my frequent use during those three weeks, but I still had to send away my product. Now I'm waiting for my money back.
Pipedream products sell wonderful stuff, usually with high quality, bodysafe silicone and very neat design; they really have something for everybody, but even their products won't work. Two weeks ago I bought their "Fetish Fantasy Limited Edition Remote Control Butterfly Strap-On" but withing 5 minutes the trouble started. The butterfly itself had great quality, and the product had great design overall, but the bullet was a little bit weak, and either the bullet itself or it's wireless control wouldn't work properly and now I can't get it to work at all. I will be compensated, but all these vibrator-problems are getting on my nerves.
Next time I buy a sex toy I won't allow it to have any kind of motor I guess. I'd love to buy a new Odeco Pearl and a new wireless bullet, but I don't dare to spend money on them. I'm also extremely picky and will only choose products with a beautiful design and black silicone and gold metal/plastic, which makes it even harder to find any product that would fit me. Any suggestions? What are your experiences with sex toysand toy shops?
If you'd like to know what products I've had that haven't dissapointed me I'll list them here below:
1. Pipedream Fetish Fantasy Gold Bondage Kit. This is a kit including handcuffs, a paddle and a blindfold - all in black faux leather and golden metal. I'm perfectly happy with the quality of this kit and the cuffs are comfortable.
2. Fetish Fantasy Gold Vibrating Cockring. I can only say what I as a woman think about this, although my ex seemed to like it as well. The quality is good. It's made from black silicone and the golden bullet is waterproof. I'd never had any trouble with it technically, but it didn't meet my expectations either. I'm sure other women would love it though, as well as men.
3. My Lovey Silicone anal Beads. I haven't used these very much, but the quality is good. As you may notice i love silicone, and these are no exception. It's a stretchy, bodysafe material.
4. Bijoux Indescretes Tickle Me Tickler. It's not onlu pretty, it also feels good as you or someone else drag it alongside your body.
5. Bijoux Indescretes Désir Métallique - Metallic mesh gold collar and Désir Métallique - Gold metallic mesh handcuffs. I would question the quality of these, but so far I haven't had any trouble with them. However I consider them to be more of an acessory/jewelry than actual cuffs. They're however really pretty and sexy.
6. Bijoux Indescretes Lucky Love Dice. These are very pretty, as most of the stuff Bijoux Indescretes sell. The black, shiny dices come with stickers that you can apply. I've had no trouble with the stickers falling of once I've put them on, otherwise I'd guess you could just glue them back.
7. Electric Lingerie Ctorctless Fencenet Bodystocking. You feel really sexy in this. It's marked as "Onse Size" and for me as a size s-sx it fits very well. I'd also assume it fits medium sized women well since it's kinda stretchy, thoguh I'm not sure about large women. I see no lack in quality, but I also guess the net could break quite easily. I'm however happy with it.
8. Jeweled Butt Plug. I am quite new to anal over all, and this feels like a perfect plug for beginners. It's in gold coloured metal with a really pretty black jewel. It feels nice once in place. The only negative thought i have about it is that the gold colour has a few bubbles near the jewel and I imagine it could easily peel off by for example your fingernail. I've used it several times and it looks just like when it arrived and I'd say it's worth the money.
9. Talking about the colour peeling off, my Lady Finger Vibrator, which works great, no longer looks great. Thec olour peeled off very easy and early and now it's half silver half gold. That doesn't look very pretty, but I'm happy as long as it works. This is one of very few vibrators that has operated perfectly every time I've used it, during several months almost daily use. It gives nice stimulation to both the clitoris and the vagina. It's downside is the plastic feeling of it. It doesn't feel luxurious at all, especially when the colour dissapears too.
10. Feathers. Just plain feathers that you can buy almost anywhere works great for tickling the body - or the more initmate parts. They are cheap and comes in many different colours and variations in size, softness etc. They're also extremely discrete. Same goes for things like silk and rope; you don't have to visit a sex shop to get it but it can still be used to enhance your sexlife. Massage oil and lube are also things that can make a difference in your sex life although they're very simple.
Dear readers, feel free to ask questions (even though I won't answer stupid ones), and I'm curious about your experiences as well; how have you been treated in online sex shops, or physical ones? What are your favourite toys and is there anything special you'd want to try?
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
MY STORY, PART TWO: Total Euphoria
FIRST A WARNING: Parents and other people who do not wish to know about my sexual experiences should ignore that this post even exists.
The reason I'm writing about it so openly is, as some of you may have figured out already, because I stand for an open society where people can be themselves, without any taboos or censoring of natural and non harmful material.
SO: As most kids, I was curious about stuff, and quite an explorer when it comes to the human body when I grew up - especially the mysterious parts that no one talked about unless as a tool for childbirth.
I played with my body, sometimes with my friends, totally unaware of the sexual aspects of it - but I'm glad I did. Children are explorers after all and they learn everything having to do with adult lives. At age 10 I remember laying in my bed having my hand between my legs. I remember a tingling feeling and the desire of something more. As I rolled over to my right side and tensed my legs - there it was: The "Something more sensation". I didn't know that what I was doing was called masturbating. Neither did I have any Idea of how normal it was or that I'd just reached an orgasm.
As I grew older i kept to this technique: Laying on my right side and tensing my legs and butt so much I sometimes got a cramp in my calf: Because I knew what was coming. That great , almost electric feeling.
When I grew up and got into puberty and learned about sex and pleasure - I realised that I was more or less alone with this technique, but I still took pride in it - being able to even achieve and orgasm unlike many other women, although my way was a bit wierd and needed a lot of work.
Now take not that everything I write about is about clitoral orgasms, not vaginal orgasms. Atleast I've got those going for me, which is nice.
Lately though; I've found myself caught in it. Some months ago I realised that I will never be able to reach a clitoral orgasm during intercourse this way - not by penetrating sex, not by oral sex, not by me or someone else rubbing myself - and this was quite a bummer since this was not only the fastest, but the ONLY way for me to finish.
But- then me and my boyfriend broke up and as I got out of the sexual misery and the words "I just don't have the will to make it pleasurable for you" I realised that was part of even my alone time-problems. The turning point you see, was when I met a fuckbuddy from the internet. Instead of feeling like a burden during sex - my pleasure was in the centre. A stranger of all men possible, was the first one to give me a clitoral orgasm - with only his fingers. And I didn't even have to lay on my side and tense as much.
After our meeting I felt relieved. I achieved something that day that I'd longed for several years. and it made me hopeful about not being stuck with one technique. Since then I've had a positive feeling about exploring new ways, and the best part is that I've achieved orgasm several times just by laying on my back and letting my vibrator do the job instead of my legs. That's what gives me total euphoria!
P.S. When tensing my butt and legs I smothered the feeling, and now with this new technique they are stronger. :D
The reason I'm writing about it so openly is, as some of you may have figured out already, because I stand for an open society where people can be themselves, without any taboos or censoring of natural and non harmful material.
SO: As most kids, I was curious about stuff, and quite an explorer when it comes to the human body when I grew up - especially the mysterious parts that no one talked about unless as a tool for childbirth.
I played with my body, sometimes with my friends, totally unaware of the sexual aspects of it - but I'm glad I did. Children are explorers after all and they learn everything having to do with adult lives. At age 10 I remember laying in my bed having my hand between my legs. I remember a tingling feeling and the desire of something more. As I rolled over to my right side and tensed my legs - there it was: The "Something more sensation". I didn't know that what I was doing was called masturbating. Neither did I have any Idea of how normal it was or that I'd just reached an orgasm.
As I grew older i kept to this technique: Laying on my right side and tensing my legs and butt so much I sometimes got a cramp in my calf: Because I knew what was coming. That great , almost electric feeling.
When I grew up and got into puberty and learned about sex and pleasure - I realised that I was more or less alone with this technique, but I still took pride in it - being able to even achieve and orgasm unlike many other women, although my way was a bit wierd and needed a lot of work.
Now take not that everything I write about is about clitoral orgasms, not vaginal orgasms. Atleast I've got those going for me, which is nice.
Lately though; I've found myself caught in it. Some months ago I realised that I will never be able to reach a clitoral orgasm during intercourse this way - not by penetrating sex, not by oral sex, not by me or someone else rubbing myself - and this was quite a bummer since this was not only the fastest, but the ONLY way for me to finish.
But- then me and my boyfriend broke up and as I got out of the sexual misery and the words "I just don't have the will to make it pleasurable for you" I realised that was part of even my alone time-problems. The turning point you see, was when I met a fuckbuddy from the internet. Instead of feeling like a burden during sex - my pleasure was in the centre. A stranger of all men possible, was the first one to give me a clitoral orgasm - with only his fingers. And I didn't even have to lay on my side and tense as much.
After our meeting I felt relieved. I achieved something that day that I'd longed for several years. and it made me hopeful about not being stuck with one technique. Since then I've had a positive feeling about exploring new ways, and the best part is that I've achieved orgasm several times just by laying on my back and letting my vibrator do the job instead of my legs. That's what gives me total euphoria!
P.S. When tensing my butt and legs I smothered the feeling, and now with this new technique they are stronger. :D
Thursday, May 21, 2015
The reason why I personally won't try cannabis.
There are a lot of drugs I will never try actually, but some of them, even alcohol, seems to be considered more ok to avoid than others. So in this particular text I'm gonna focus on cannabis - what I think about it in general, but mostly why I won't try it with the background of my health and personality.
Let's start with my personality. If I sit at home doing nothing I continue to do nothing until I or someone else makes me do something - and then I'm stuck doing that instead. Mostly It lasts for a couple of hours, but sometimes I can get caught up in an activity for several days in a row. If I for example find a new video game I can sit, playing that game for every day during a whole week, until I or someone else finds something else I can do.
The same goes for boardgames. If I'm having a boardgame night with friends I can't just play one game and then just sit and chat about random stuff - I want to continue playing several games until I grow tired of it.
Now there's the same with music, food, drinks etc. I have my periods - I always had. When I find a new band I listen to that specific band for about 3 months in a row until I find their music less interesting or until I find antother band that I like. Take Tool for example - the most extreme music experience I've had so far. I discovered Tool in I think february 2014. I'd never listened to their music before but I was immediately captured by what I heard. I've barely listened to anything else since then, and now a year later I still get completely mesmerized every timle I press the play-button.
Now these things mentioned above are not per definition drugs, but it shows very clearly how I work - I become addicted to anything that I like - anything that executes my reward system and releases dopamin. I have an addictive personlity. Therefore I know approximately how I would behave if exposed to a drug.
Now let's continue with my health.
I'd always been a very healthy young girl and by the age of 16 I'd never really been sick. Sure - I got the flu or a cold or whatever now and then, but it was never something serious. In 2010 however I began to develop some kind of sleeping problem. It grew slowly bigger and bigger and it wasn't really until the end of my third year in High School that I realised that something was extremely wrong - I overslept several times a week and fell asleep as soon as I was somewhat relaxed. I'm still under investigation and have not got a diagnosis yet, but I suffer from what is easiest described as (Idiopathic?) Hypersomnia.
Now this hypersomnia, combined with depression and stomachache, has led to quite a lot of trouble in my life. The stomachache is more or less gone now that I live with people I'm comfortable with, since it presumably was due to stress I had those problems. By the end of 2013 I got diagnosed with depression but half a year later I had cured myself through medication as well as fun activities, combined with a totally different perspective over my life.
These health issues have greatly affected my life. The depression was the most direct awful experience to go through - but led to a greater understanding of myself and the environment. Although I'm thankful for what it taught me I am from time to time extremely afraid of a comeback. I had no interests, no sexdrive to talk about and I felt completely empty.
Regarding the sleeping problems I have no engergy. I never feel alert. I need to sleep atleast 10-11 hours a night in order to not fall asleep during the day, occasionally I even need to sleep 14-16 hours before i can crawl out of bed. This means I can not, until medicated if possible, educate myself. I can not manage a full time work. I can't really get any driving license and my dreams for the future - Build a house and get children - seems to be pretty far away from implementation.
Now to the conclusion: Understandably I would give almost, almost, anything to get rid of this, maybe get an education and live my life full of energy.
So, for the more factual discussion about the drug itself - cannabis:
Cannabis; commonly known as marijuana or haschish is used as both medicine and as a drug. Now I'm all for further medical research - it is using it as a psychoactive drug I'm not comfortable with.
The cannabinoids (THC among other chemicals) intoxicate the body and the user can experience euphoria and different perceprion of time, colour, sound and shape, a feeling of relaxation and increased senses among other things. It also posesses sedative effects.
Extensive use of cannabis through smoking can cause respiratory damage. Extensive use of marijuana also impair cognitive abilities - up to several weeks after use.
Side effects of cannabis use can include anxiety, panic, paranoia and psychoses . It is unsure if these effects are due to the drug itself or external causes. Cannabis affects secretion and uptake of dopamine in the frontal lobes surface. In the same area it has measured high static levels of dopamine in schizophrenics. Use of cannabis can increase the risk of psychosis onset and schizophrenia. Cannabis use has also been linked to depression and amotivational syndrome.Studies has also indicated highly prevalent withdrawal symptoms among frequent cannabis users that include hypersomnia and feeling weak and tired.
Cannabis is not traditionally classified as an addictive drug, at least not through heavy physical addictive symptoms. It can though, as mentioned above, have a negative impact upon your social life and physical and mental health. You could also develop cannabis dependence syndrome. Cannabis can also result in birth defects in your child if you take it during pregnancy and it increases the risk of accidents if intoxicated while driving.
Now back to myself:
As you see above cannabis can be linked to depression, amotivational syndrome, tiredness and hypersomnia among other side effects - specific conditions in my personal history that I have had problems with. Sure, these only seem to appear after extensive use and while cannabis isn't traditionally addictive, cannabis dependence syndrome could still occur. Combine that with my addictive personality (I can't even go buy pasta without having a chocolate bar falling down my basket), alcoholics in the family history and my non-existent experience with drugs what so ever - and you have my reasons. The expected hopefully positive sensation and possible increased creativity just isn't woth it.
(Note that I've just intensely read Wikipedia articles and studies I've googled - for a day, and I don't know very much about drugs apart from what's listed above. So please correct me if something is wrong. I still beleive that my peronality is reason enough to not do drugs though.)
Let's start with my personality. If I sit at home doing nothing I continue to do nothing until I or someone else makes me do something - and then I'm stuck doing that instead. Mostly It lasts for a couple of hours, but sometimes I can get caught up in an activity for several days in a row. If I for example find a new video game I can sit, playing that game for every day during a whole week, until I or someone else finds something else I can do.
The same goes for boardgames. If I'm having a boardgame night with friends I can't just play one game and then just sit and chat about random stuff - I want to continue playing several games until I grow tired of it.
Now there's the same with music, food, drinks etc. I have my periods - I always had. When I find a new band I listen to that specific band for about 3 months in a row until I find their music less interesting or until I find antother band that I like. Take Tool for example - the most extreme music experience I've had so far. I discovered Tool in I think february 2014. I'd never listened to their music before but I was immediately captured by what I heard. I've barely listened to anything else since then, and now a year later I still get completely mesmerized every timle I press the play-button.
Now these things mentioned above are not per definition drugs, but it shows very clearly how I work - I become addicted to anything that I like - anything that executes my reward system and releases dopamin. I have an addictive personlity. Therefore I know approximately how I would behave if exposed to a drug.
Now let's continue with my health.
I'd always been a very healthy young girl and by the age of 16 I'd never really been sick. Sure - I got the flu or a cold or whatever now and then, but it was never something serious. In 2010 however I began to develop some kind of sleeping problem. It grew slowly bigger and bigger and it wasn't really until the end of my third year in High School that I realised that something was extremely wrong - I overslept several times a week and fell asleep as soon as I was somewhat relaxed. I'm still under investigation and have not got a diagnosis yet, but I suffer from what is easiest described as (Idiopathic?) Hypersomnia.
Now this hypersomnia, combined with depression and stomachache, has led to quite a lot of trouble in my life. The stomachache is more or less gone now that I live with people I'm comfortable with, since it presumably was due to stress I had those problems. By the end of 2013 I got diagnosed with depression but half a year later I had cured myself through medication as well as fun activities, combined with a totally different perspective over my life.
These health issues have greatly affected my life. The depression was the most direct awful experience to go through - but led to a greater understanding of myself and the environment. Although I'm thankful for what it taught me I am from time to time extremely afraid of a comeback. I had no interests, no sexdrive to talk about and I felt completely empty.
Regarding the sleeping problems I have no engergy. I never feel alert. I need to sleep atleast 10-11 hours a night in order to not fall asleep during the day, occasionally I even need to sleep 14-16 hours before i can crawl out of bed. This means I can not, until medicated if possible, educate myself. I can not manage a full time work. I can't really get any driving license and my dreams for the future - Build a house and get children - seems to be pretty far away from implementation.
Now to the conclusion: Understandably I would give almost, almost, anything to get rid of this, maybe get an education and live my life full of energy.
So, for the more factual discussion about the drug itself - cannabis:
Cannabis; commonly known as marijuana or haschish is used as both medicine and as a drug. Now I'm all for further medical research - it is using it as a psychoactive drug I'm not comfortable with.
The cannabinoids (THC among other chemicals) intoxicate the body and the user can experience euphoria and different perceprion of time, colour, sound and shape, a feeling of relaxation and increased senses among other things. It also posesses sedative effects.
Extensive use of cannabis through smoking can cause respiratory damage. Extensive use of marijuana also impair cognitive abilities - up to several weeks after use.
Side effects of cannabis use can include anxiety, panic, paranoia and psychoses . It is unsure if these effects are due to the drug itself or external causes. Cannabis affects secretion and uptake of dopamine in the frontal lobes surface. In the same area it has measured high static levels of dopamine in schizophrenics. Use of cannabis can increase the risk of psychosis onset and schizophrenia. Cannabis use has also been linked to depression and amotivational syndrome.Studies has also indicated highly prevalent withdrawal symptoms among frequent cannabis users that include hypersomnia and feeling weak and tired.
Cannabis is not traditionally classified as an addictive drug, at least not through heavy physical addictive symptoms. It can though, as mentioned above, have a negative impact upon your social life and physical and mental health. You could also develop cannabis dependence syndrome. Cannabis can also result in birth defects in your child if you take it during pregnancy and it increases the risk of accidents if intoxicated while driving.
Now back to myself:
As you see above cannabis can be linked to depression, amotivational syndrome, tiredness and hypersomnia among other side effects - specific conditions in my personal history that I have had problems with. Sure, these only seem to appear after extensive use and while cannabis isn't traditionally addictive, cannabis dependence syndrome could still occur. Combine that with my addictive personality (I can't even go buy pasta without having a chocolate bar falling down my basket), alcoholics in the family history and my non-existent experience with drugs what so ever - and you have my reasons. The expected hopefully positive sensation and possible increased creativity just isn't woth it.
(Note that I've just intensely read Wikipedia articles and studies I've googled - for a day, and I don't know very much about drugs apart from what's listed above. So please correct me if something is wrong. I still beleive that my peronality is reason enough to not do drugs though.)
Saturday, January 3, 2015
What a Year!
2014 started out fine, if not even great. I started the year with depression, which wasn´t good at all at the moment of course, but it all led to me feeling better, long term. It made me realise what was wrong and why. I also made a new friend who during the months has grown into becoming one of my best friends.
During spring and summer I rehabilitated myself through living; spending time with friends and exploring new hobbies, as well as resuming old ones. My creativity was flowing as great as in sixth grade!
Summer also had it's fair share of happiness, and during this period I not only got rid of my depression, but met my awaited israelian friend, Tal. We had a great time travelling through Sweden and exploring Trondheim together, swimming, going to museums and eating a lot of fancy cheese.
But not only has this been a good year. It has also been awfully terrible, filled with insecurity, angst, and before I got rid of my depression and medicine, I often felt like an empty, emotionless shell. Taking antidepressants, that is simply what you become. Not a single tear was shed during a period of half a year,.. yet the remaining months was filled with them.
The real trouble started in the beginning of August, just after we had moved to a stable apartment of our own. During the following months; me and my boyfriend came to realise a need to solve our problems with the help of others. The days went by and nothing was done about it. I felt like he didn't care about anything anymore. He didn't care about the future, about kids, or even eating dinner together. With him working and travelling all day we rarely saw anything of eachother and I felt more lonely with him at home, than I felt being alone for real.
When confronting him about it I was encountered by plain answers that didn't seem to mean anything to him, amongst others "Well maybe you should find another guy then, who fits your dreams better." And with that sentence a thought appeared in my head.
What if I could never find someone as good, with the same dreams, or what if I don't want to?
The following month i felt, greater than ever, a feeling of us being friends rather than each others darlings. A feeling we both had had before but previously fought off.
Days as well as nights I spent thinking, and I grew more and more sure... and on the 22nd of December was the day it was decided. Just two days before christmas we decided together that we weren't, after all, made for eachother, and walked away as good friends.
Now I'm starting the year unemployed and completely broke, with no current source of money and no right to either sick pay or unemployment benefits, no place of my own and for the moment no bright economic future either... But atleast I've got my feelings, time and friend, so I got that going for me, which is nice.
Let's just hope that 2015 will find me long lost love (Which I from day to day feel it will, and day to day don't, for a couple of reasons) and an otherwise secure future.
During spring and summer I rehabilitated myself through living; spending time with friends and exploring new hobbies, as well as resuming old ones. My creativity was flowing as great as in sixth grade!
Summer also had it's fair share of happiness, and during this period I not only got rid of my depression, but met my awaited israelian friend, Tal. We had a great time travelling through Sweden and exploring Trondheim together, swimming, going to museums and eating a lot of fancy cheese.
But not only has this been a good year. It has also been awfully terrible, filled with insecurity, angst, and before I got rid of my depression and medicine, I often felt like an empty, emotionless shell. Taking antidepressants, that is simply what you become. Not a single tear was shed during a period of half a year,.. yet the remaining months was filled with them.
The real trouble started in the beginning of August, just after we had moved to a stable apartment of our own. During the following months; me and my boyfriend came to realise a need to solve our problems with the help of others. The days went by and nothing was done about it. I felt like he didn't care about anything anymore. He didn't care about the future, about kids, or even eating dinner together. With him working and travelling all day we rarely saw anything of eachother and I felt more lonely with him at home, than I felt being alone for real.
When confronting him about it I was encountered by plain answers that didn't seem to mean anything to him, amongst others "Well maybe you should find another guy then, who fits your dreams better." And with that sentence a thought appeared in my head.
What if I could never find someone as good, with the same dreams, or what if I don't want to?
The following month i felt, greater than ever, a feeling of us being friends rather than each others darlings. A feeling we both had had before but previously fought off.
Days as well as nights I spent thinking, and I grew more and more sure... and on the 22nd of December was the day it was decided. Just two days before christmas we decided together that we weren't, after all, made for eachother, and walked away as good friends.
Now I'm starting the year unemployed and completely broke, with no current source of money and no right to either sick pay or unemployment benefits, no place of my own and for the moment no bright economic future either... But atleast I've got my feelings, time and friend, so I got that going for me, which is nice.
Let's just hope that 2015 will find me long lost love (Which I from day to day feel it will, and day to day don't, for a couple of reasons) and an otherwise secure future.
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