The way of society and its norms is what got med depressed to begin with.
This is something I've been wanting to write about for some days now, but what really made me do it was a comment I got a few days ago, when an accuaintance of mine expressed that real life modelin isn't a real job. So what is a real job then?
I grew up wanting to be a princess. The most memorsable toys I had were my dolls, a princess crown, teddy bears, lego and my watercolour case. One of the clearest memories I have from my childhood pursuits, is asking my dad to make a bridal veil out of toildet paper, so that I could walk back and forth in our kitchen with my bear, pretending I was marrying it.
I cant recall thinking much about the future at that age, but yet I was quite clear with myself about who I was. Just like today, I wanted to become an artist of some sort. In my free time I painted, sang or did housewife-related stuff. I listened to "strange and outdated" music like Abba, and whatever else I could discover among my parents' collections. Still, when given the most frequently asked questions we get as kids: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered "Lawyer." And the decision of 10 year old me would set my goal for the next ten years.
So why did I do it? Why did I abandon my original dreams? I did it for my own good, thinking "If I have to work, I will choose something I'm interested in, and that can also serve as my life saver. And I didn't even realise I actively abandoned my creativity. My plan with becoming a lawyer was so that I could fulfill my dreams of building a castle, afford traveling, be able to afford what my parents couldn't.
Time passed and I graduated with excellent grades. The day I was accepted to law school was a good one and the announcement brightened my birthday, that just happended to be that day. But when I went on introduction day and met the prople, when I attended the celebrations for the new class, I broke a little inside. The people was not as I'd expecten. They were the same "Oh man, I got sooo drunk last weekend. You are coming to the costume party tonight, right?" - and then not really care if I come or not, just wanting to feel social.
Realising how students in blaw school behaved and drank made me realise "This is real life, grown up life, and it's not gonna change to the better" and it made me unconsciously wonder about the way we live.
The 25th of November last year I got signed in sick due to depression and sleeping problems. The sleeping problems were familiar since several years back, only now they were worse. The depression on the other hand, was something new. But it dind't feel like a bad thing, although I knew it was. In fact I didn't feel anything due to the fact that I was sick, but soon thereafter I began to enjoy doing things again. I discovered sewing and made myself several dresses and coats during the following months. I got new friends and became the singer in a metal band and I felt more alive, although depressed, than I had done since elementary school. I felt like drawing and painting again, and I was more creative than ever before. So, when people asked me "Well, when will you start studying again?" "You can't live like this forever" "You will be alone and ill if this continues" I just couldn't understand what they meant. How could something that made me feel better than ever be bad for me?
In the middle of the summer I realised I didn't want to take medication anymore, so after consulting a friend I quit. The reason behind it was that I'd been rehabilitated doing all these things; sewing, painting, singing etc. and I wanted live again and felt ready to face my feelings coming back. If there's one lie about antidepressives it is that they are "happypills". They don't make you happy, just take away your feelings, good and bad.
Two months ago I was finished thinking. I'd figured out my unhappiness and its reasons. Others thought they had, too, asking me "Maybe you got depressed because Law was wrong for you?" "Maybe it was too hard and you got depressed because you couldn't handle the difficulty?" "You're depressed because you're afraid of failure", but no. It wasn't any of those reasons.
Ever since I was ten years old I'd wanted to be a lawyer. I did have an interest in law. It was only difficult due to my sleeping problems, making me fall asleep every lecture, but I knew; sleeping less would not solve my problems, attending an easier education wasn't gonna make it better either. The problem was time and personality.
I'm simply not fit into society. I don't fit the norm. I've not learnt to "live to work."
As I said, the most frequently asked questions we get as children is "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and that question defines our society. Everything we do we do to work. We study to be able to work, we have free time to be able to enjoy work as much as possible. Politicians need people to work to obtain growth. My problem isn't work in itself, but time. And here the difficulties start. Here I get accused for being selfish, egoistic and mean. "Why should you have the privilige to not work?" "You will get sick if you don't work" "Everybody needs to work", because apparently real life modeling, painting, photography aren't real jobs. When I tell people "I'd want to work from home, as an artist" they hear "I want to sit at home and play games and do my hobbies"
It's not strange. It's completely understandable. It's how we're told it's supposed to be. Creativity is just a hobby. The music and art lessons in school were always sacrificed for "more important" activities. But I don't want, I can't fit into the average persons life. I can't live a life without living, just as I can't live a life without feeling. I can't dedicate all my time, sacrifice all my hobbies and relations, to growth and good statistics.
If I had not questioned society, I would still be depressed.
