MY STORY, PART ONE: Not a Fool

The way of society and its norms is what got med depressed to begin with.

This is something I've been wanting to write about for some days now, but what really made me do it was a comment I got a few days ago, when an accuaintance of mine expressed that real life modelin isn't a real job. So what is a real job then?

I grew up wanting to be a princess. The most memorsable toys I had were my dolls, a princess crown, teddy bears, lego and my watercolour case. One of the clearest memories I have from my childhood pursuits, is asking my dad to make a bridal veil out of toildet paper, so that I could walk back and forth in our kitchen with my bear, pretending I was marrying it.

I cant recall thinking much about the future at that age, but yet I was quite clear with myself about who I was. Just like today, I wanted to become an artist of some sort. In my free time I painted, sang or did housewife-related stuff. I listened to "strange and outdated" music like Abba, and whatever else I could discover among my parents' collections. Still, when given the most frequently asked questions we get as kids: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered "Lawyer." And the decision of 10 year old me would set my goal for the next ten years.

So why did I do it? Why did I abandon my original dreams? I did it for my own good, thinking "If I have to work, I will choose something I'm interested in, and that can also serve as my life saver. And I didn't even realise I actively abandoned my creativity. My plan with becoming a lawyer was so that I could fulfill my dreams of building a castle, afford traveling, be able to afford what my parents couldn't.

Time passed and I graduated with excellent grades. The day I was accepted to law school was a good one and the announcement brightened my birthday, that just happended to be that day. But when I went on introduction day and met the prople, when I attended the celebrations for the new class, I broke a little inside. The people was not as I'd expecten. They were the same "Oh man, I got sooo drunk last weekend. You are coming to the costume party tonight, right?" - and then not really care if I come or not, just wanting to feel social.

Realising how students in blaw school behaved and drank made me realise "This is real life, grown up life, and it's not gonna change to the better" and it made me unconsciously wonder about the way we live.

The 25th of November last year I got signed in sick due to depression and sleeping problems. The sleeping problems were familiar since several years back, only now they were worse. The depression on the other hand,  was something new. But it dind't feel like a bad thing, although I knew it was. In fact I didn't feel anything due to the fact that I was sick, but soon thereafter I began to enjoy doing things again. I discovered sewing and made myself several dresses and coats during the following months. I got new friends and became the singer in a metal band and I felt more alive, although depressed, than I had done since elementary school. I felt like drawing and painting again, and I was more creative than ever before. So, when people asked me "Well, when will you start studying again?" "You can't live like this forever" "You will be alone and ill if this continues" I just couldn't understand what they meant. How could something that made me feel better than ever be bad for me?

In the middle of the summer I realised I didn't want to take medication anymore, so after consulting a friend I quit. The reason behind it was that I'd been rehabilitated doing all these things; sewing, painting, singing etc. and I wanted live again and felt ready to face my feelings coming back. If there's one lie about antidepressives it is that they are "happypills". They don't make you happy, just take away your feelings, good and bad.

Two months ago I was finished thinking. I'd figured out my unhappiness and its reasons. Others thought they had, too, asking me "Maybe you got depressed because Law was wrong for you?" "Maybe it was too hard and you got depressed because you couldn't handle the difficulty?" "You're depressed because you're afraid of failure", but no. It wasn't any of those reasons.

Ever since I was ten years old I'd wanted to be a lawyer. I did have an interest in law. It was only difficult due to my sleeping problems, making me fall asleep every lecture, but I knew; sleeping less would not solve my problems, attending an easier education wasn't gonna make it better either. The problem was time and personality.

I'm simply not fit into society. I don't fit the norm. I've not learnt to "live to work." 

As I said, the most frequently asked questions we get as children is "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and that question defines our society. Everything we do we do to work. We study to be able to work, we have free time to be able to enjoy work as much as possible. Politicians need people to work to obtain growth. My problem isn't work in itself, but time. And here the difficulties start. Here I get accused for being selfish, egoistic and mean. "Why should you have the privilige to not work?" "You will get sick if you don't work" "Everybody needs to work", because apparently real life modeling, painting, photography aren't real jobs. When I tell people "I'd want to work from home, as an artist" they hear "I want to sit at home and play games and do my hobbies"

It's not strange. It's completely understandable. It's how we're told it's supposed to be. Creativity is just a hobby. The music and art lessons in school were always sacrificed for "more important" activities. But I don't want, I can't fit into the average persons life. I can't live a life without living, just as I can't live a life without feeling. I can't dedicate all my time, sacrifice all my hobbies and relations, to growth and good statistics.

If I had not questioned society, I would still be depressed.

My Political View

When I was in junior high and high school I was basically taught that politics is about tax and ministers. When I graduated, and thus was old enough to vote, had I not known what I would vote for if there had been an election that year, 2012 I did not know how it affected me. I just knew everyone around me said it was important, but not why.
          It was only when I met new friends, who were older and politically engaged as I understood that politics is not all just about the gray old men. At that time I was almost 20 years old. Only now I realized that it was about how we live our lives, the right to different kinds of freedom, and that politics pervades everything in the whole society.

So, now that I began to understand what it was all about, I already knew what I wanted and it was not long before I realized that I, like my friends and relatives, was red (To the left side).  Later I realized that I was left party (Vänsterpartist). The reasons I am this are quite obvious:

First I want that every person should have the opportunity to educate themselves, based on ability, not money. Profit is not the way to equal education for all, because it will save as much as possible to not distribute books and pens, hiring teachers, etc. .... to go with more profit and money in their pocket.

2. I want each person to develop the ability, by gaining the support he/she need to get there. Simply by getting the help of those who can help. He/she should be encouraged to pass elementary school, for example, instead of threatened to do so.

3. I want society to see the reason behind people's situations and behaviors. If a seven-year boy bully a girl in his class, he is probably not evil, just need to get out feelings he got from somewhere else. The question then is where. Such an analysis would provide security for both the (possible future) criminals as victims, in the long term. We need a social secure grid.

4. I want everyone to know what rape is, and not believe that the only form of it is a when a girl or woman becomes physically incapable of defending herself by one or more boys or men. In order to fix this problem we need not only a consent law, but also a sensible sex education.

5. Sex education needs to be improved in general. Even in the home. To provide information about how and why we reproduce, what sex is ... etc., etc .... that responsibility should not passed on to each other; so please, hold courses in how both teachers and parents caneducate their children of different ages. And do not assume that everyone knows everything and does not need more information, just because they start college. At my college we had guest teachers who talked about sex and relationships .... sometimes ... once a year ... it was not taken up on biology lessons. And I even studied in one of the better schools.

6 Now you can see that I list things about childhood, and yes, it all starts right there. But it also requires a secure family to grow up in, and something which plays a major role is the economy. I think a lack of finances can be the basis for both stress, anxiety and depression, which in turn expresses itself in, among other things: Violence and neglect of other family members. And then one sees immediately how everything is connected; Point three is needed for the adults and for their children and, future generations to feel secure.

7 But ... What should finance this? My answer is, like Robin Hood, that the rich should share with the poor. This is precisely because of paragraph 6: Poverty = insecure society. So those who are already living on a meager economy, or just have got to a stable one, should hardly be those who themselves will solve the problems of people who have it worse. Those who have more than enough to feel secure and happy in both the present and the future, can not be hurt by paying a little tax.

8. Taxes are not a punishment in for one who managed to work up a good salary. The tax is an investment, if used in the right way; That is put on schools, health care, social services and other security. It gives more than it takes because right invested tax money leads to greater financial as well as social well-being of the lower classes, which then creates a security for the upper classes. Furthermore, whouldn't it feel good to know that you contribute to a better society, that you help?

9 The economy is not the only thing that can cause problems for families. socialization plays at least as big a role in people's lives, but the problem that exists today is that we barely have time to socialize properly. We don't have the energy nor time to socialize. Somewhere something  has to be very wrong if you work to relax, but then are too stressed to feel free and relaxed once you are done for the day/week. Stress of job affects, not only those who work full-time. Even those who do not work at all, or do not work enough, become stressed by the mere thought of this problem. So, again; Those may very well share? Those who work eight hours can go down to six hours per day. It would increase the need for more employees, while people would have time to actually live their lives. Also keep in mind that unemployment is a money-eating hole in society.

10 Last but not least, I also want to mention the environment. I'm not versed in environmental politics, but I know I do not want the money I earn to contribute to open even more coal mines in countries where other (but also we ourselves long term) will be affected. So away with the profit motive and, I say invest tax money in research and renewable energy. (The same applies to small businesses and their customers who are tempted to buy stuff just because it is environmentally friendly, not to buy them instead of non-eco friendly stuff.) Profit motive may yield profits for some, short-term, but not for anyone, long term.
So .... what do I want with this "small" text? Well I want to show you what politics are really about, and how it permeates the whole of society, affecting the future, and going in circles. Everything affects everything; through generations. I wished that I knew that this is what politics is all about already when I should have known it already, when I was old enough to vote.

P.S
Wealth / prosperity / freedom ... whatever you call it -is not measured in how much money you have in your wallet. It does not matter if you can afford the newest flat screen TV if you do not feel confident to survive and do not have the same opportunities as your fellow man.

P.P.S
Many thanks to John Donovan for suprisingly translate it for me. :)

To Wear or Not To Wear Clothes...

"It's like 2 separate worlds - the world of nature and the world of man. And its pretty apparent that the two just don't usually mix. There is even a fence there, but I wonder, what is this boundary for? Is it to keep the world of man from encroaching on nature? Or... is it to keep nature from encroaching on the world of man? Nude as the day I was born, I clearly side on the world of nature. But throw some clothing on, a few consumer labels, and suddenly I can rejoin the world of men. Do I dare cast away my nature so easily? Most of us do, without even knowing." -http://matthewfritzell.deviantart.com/


Clothes is a part of more or less every persons' life. Many of us love to go shopping for new clothes, express ourselves with our style, and we need clothes to protect our bodies. If you asked a random person if they thought clothes were something good, or something bad, the answer you'd probably get is something like "We need clothes, it protects us, so it's good." But have you ever thought about the negative aspects of clothing?
          The History of clothing is quite simple; We started wearing clothes to protect our bodies from the environment such as cold weather. Clothes has also been there for us in our working lifes; No one would like to go mountainbiking or renovating a house without the protection of clothes.
          But clothes aren't only a good thing, and here's why; clothes has divided us for centuries; apart from being protective they were a way to show differences between people, as well as difference between other animals and humans. I am quite certain Christianity, and maybe other religions, were a big part in the question. Humans were not considered animals; we were better than them and we had to show it. That means: no natural behaviour, nor natural looks, and the more unnatural you were, the higher position you had.
           This way of thinking has left it's mark on society. We are so afraid of what others will think of us. We have to have the right style at the right time, express ourselves in the right way and so on.... I've never liked the idea of brands. I doubt there's such a big difference in quality today as it were about 100 years ago. But still we buy expensive clothes and bags, or maybe even copies. Why? -Because we want to show how valuable we are. You are still considered a more valuable person if you have money than if you don't, and you have to show it. You have to be a part of the pack. 
           I even have a real life example of this; in 2006 I started wearing makeup. I wore mascara to school most days, maybe som lipgloss, but that was it. I didn't want or need more makeup that that at the time; still my classmates tried to make me wear red lipstick, because "it would look so great on you." I never wore it. A couple of years later, in 2008, I started to wear red lipstick. I thought i was pretty, but the very same people that wanted me to wear it in 2006, now said "You can't wear red lipstick, it's ugly because it's not fashionable anymore."
           Meanwhile, my sister were also accused for not being fashionable enough. She had a very special and pretty style, but due to all the bullying from her classmates, she felt the need to change it. Soon she followed fashion like no one else. She was always the first to have the latest iphone, jacket or boots.... She now have 200 "friends" while I have about 10. That's the curse of capitalism and our way of thinking.
          What's even worse? Clothes have become such an inevitable matter that they've also changed the way we look at our bodies. With the loss of real nudity we loose the picture of what a body looks like. And back to capitalism -we look at the products and the people in the adverts, we want to be like them, or even be them, and forget ourselves and our origin. It wouldnt be such a big secret that nudity = better confidence, if it werent so well hidden behind greedy companies. In fact, they've hid it so well they don't even know it themselves.
          But what whould happen then, if we decided to go out naked, or even partilly naked. (more or less-)No matter where you lived it would be a tragedy, sadly. And to clarify it to you, let me post this discussion between me and an acquaintance from deviantArt: 

..........................................................................................

Matthew: I see what you mean and agree about pushing people's tolerance slowly. You are right, if they are suddenly faced with the most shocking or jarring aspect of a philosophy, many people will close their minds and hearts for any other ideas within that philosophy. Well stated.

Me: Just like with portrait photography we want to bring out the most beautiful things with our bodies. We have to base our pictures not of what we think is beautiful, but what other people think is beautiful, as a start.

To take a really crazy example: A man gets a new girldfriend. He is fine in the beginning, then he starts to cut her off from her friends, then her family, then he drags her self esteem down to make her accept the fact that she's useless. After a while he starts hitting her, and she accepts it, thinks that's all she's worth.. The reson she accepts it is that he has manipulated her for a quite long time, and with one step after another, very slowly.
Just think of the opposite tactic. A man meets a new girlfriend, flirts a bit and then hits her with his fist that very same night they met, most girld would reject him immediately.

Sad truth, but that's how people work. That's one reason we don't go out nude. That's the reason why I like harder and harder music, and it's the reason we buy stuff we THINK we need.

Matthew: Can I point something out though? Unfortunately if we always go off of what others consider beautiful and cover up the things we think others would find 'unflattering' things will unfortunately never change. I feel that this is the biggest thing that keeps nudity illegal and unacceptable; The "I don't wanna see that" mentality. Can we take my friend XXX for example? I think many people would find his appearance borderline appalling. The poor guy has a disability though, and if I can be completely honest even I shudder slightly at some of his images. But he is a wonderful person, and as a living being in my opinion he has every right to go fully nude. How dare I, as some other random person, claim that he should be clothed simply because "I don't wanna see that" ? That good hearted man has a yearning to be in his natural state - nude- and it in my opinion it is far outside of fair or ethical for me to impose clothing on him because of my own insecurities about what I see upon viewing him. I believe a lot of people don't want nudity to be legal - not because they don't want to be faced with the sexuality of the beautiful (I agree with you that many people unfortunately see an inherent sexuality in nudity despite there being no such thing), but because they don't want to be suddenly faced with the ugly and the homely without clothing. I think growing a tolerance and even appreciation for what would usually be considered off-putting is important. The way I see it, I'm not a model and never could be. I don't want to change myself - I'm happy and accepting of my natural form. But, even if you take the most flattering and beautiful image from my gallery and put it on display, someone somewhere will view it, be made uncomfortable or be off-put by it, and wish that I had clothing on. Its my opinion that this is the point where my philosophy differs from many others. I don't think it should be up to those who have to look at a person to determine what that person should or shouldn't wear. It should be up to that person what they wear, or if they go naked. There are some people out there that have horribly ugly or disfigured faces, but to me a ban and lack of acceptance of nudity is no better than a law that says ugly people must wear masks.

Me: Well, thats why we have to push the limits but never cross them. An example:
A few years ago I had a friend who didn't like amusement parks at all. Then a small Tivoli came to our town and we went to look at it. I convinced her to try a carousel that was for children, and then another one, and another one.... and in the end she had gone in every single carousel with me. She never thought she would even ride one, but ended up going to a big amusementpark with me the next year, in Stockholm.

It's the same with pictures, we have to build a tolerance step by step, pushing people's limits further and further away. If we ever cross them, they will draw back. 

A World Without Stereotypes

Stereotypes; they're everywhere, everyday. Chinese pepple are smart and yellow. USA consists of fat and dumb people. If you're black, you come from Africa, and if you're a jew you've gotta have a big nose and be greedy. Of course not all stereotypical attributes are real, but still they're there for a reason.

         The world is much different today from, for example, the 19th century. That includes stereotypes. We no longer think that every black and every african are monkeys playing the bongo drum, but we still give black people stereotypical attributes; if we see a black, young, man in the street, we assume that he atleast plays basketball and says "nigga" a lot. 

         Humans are afraid of new things, things they've never experienced or seen before, and although we've always been moving around and traveling, it's taken us a really long time for us to mix up with eachother. So when the white people discovered the black people, our defense was to call them apes and then lock them up. Soon the whole world had learnt that black people was far below the white people and we started using them as our slaves, because we were "better" than them.

          Today, on the other hand, white and black people see eachother everyday; either in real life or through media. We've got used to eachother and put the worst racism behind us. We're not as afraid of eachother anymore, we can be friends and family, but we still have stereotypes. We still need to categorize, to make it easy for ourselves in everyday-life. If we hadn't been categorizing in the beginning, the human race wouldn't have been alive today. If we saw a big cat; we knew it could be dangerous, because sometime before we saw someone or something being attacked by a lion. And we assumed that Lion=Big Cat=Possible danger. We still need to use that ability; we still need perception and cognition. But what happens then  is that racism and stereotypes are created. 

           If we take a closer look, we see that using stereotypical attributes not only makes us racist and makes us expect different things from different people; it also gives ourselves a stereotypical identity. Simply put: Russians will continue to drink Vodka as long as they feel they have to drink Vodka to be russian.

           After coming this far in our research, we know that we not only have to change our stereotypical images of different groups of people, but simultaneously we need to break free from the typical attributes we've been giving ourselves, AND to be completely free from racism, we would have to live without categorizing people this way at all.... But would it even be possible to destroy stereotypes completely, or would we just create new stereotypical images and categorize people after those instead? After all, it's in our genes, and it is a mechanism made to survive. What do you think? Do you think we could change or remove stereotypes?